Picture-Perfect, Panic-Filled

Growing up, my parents worked hard to give me a happy, care-free childhood. I lived in a beautiful house steps away from the beach. I spent my time performing in plays, making mud pies in my backyard, playing basketball and softball, swimming laps with my local swim team and collecting sea glass on the beach. Despite this “picture-perfect” childhood, I struggled with severe anxiety. I spent a lot of my childhood worrying that horrible things would happen to me or my family, or being worried how others saw or perceived me.

My anxiety grew with me, taking on different forms as I moved through different stages of my life. In middle school, I began to understand that my sexuality differed from many of my friends. It was difficult for me to accept my identity as a lesbian because of my anxiety. Anxiety caused me to fear rejection or judgement from my family and friends, or question if my feelings about my sexuality were true. Around the same time, my brother began experiencing significant mental health problems, causing another pique in my anxiety. The fact of his health completely being out of my control was something I struggled with greatly.

Today, I still struggle with anxiety yet, I have found ways to cope with this part of me. Attending therapy, finding the right medications to support me, and leaning on a trustworthy circle of family and friends is how I complete a strong 16 hours of my day. With time I was able to understand what I needed to feel my best, which has allowed me to live a less-anxious and more present life.